What was….

My Love, my Frankie, is gone.  Here he is, walking the beach on Maui.  A senior dog, a little too chubby, but always wagging that tail, letting me know that “all was right with the world”.  Sure, it wasn’t a perfect existence, but looking back on those dog walks with Frank, well….it seemed about as close to perfect as my life ever was.  It didn’t last.  Nothing in life lasts, good or bad.

What happened…

So, life happens and it’s not always good.  My own path became derailed in 2021.   Hawaii was still in the grips of  isolation brought on by the pandemic.   A strict moratorium on evictions left homeowners like me who rented out a second house responsible for paying two mortgages.  Like many other homeowners, I discovered my renters were taking advantage of such laws to not pay rent, running a grift, taking advantage of the bad times.  Everything from illegally subletting my house and moving to another island (stealing my rent in the process from the sub-tenants I couldn’t by law evict), to some renters saying they lost their jobs while working under the table (and even having enough money to open an Art Gallery in expensive commercial space on Maui), to allowing their drug habits to run amuck in my house.  These disreputable sub-tenants soon turned my home into a veritable flop house.  They seemed determined to not only destroy their own lives, but my beautiful home, which sustained somewhere in the vicinity of $100K in damages.

What I did….

So I woke up in 2022, from a frenzy of exhaustion and stress due to fixing my home in 2021 to sell it, only to find the world had changed drastically.  Sociopathy and narcissism seemed to run rampant in society.   The world seemed colder to me,  more cruel, uncaring and exploitative….a veritable “Mad Max of miscreant behavior” that stunned the girl I once was.  I didn’t look into the mirror, while constructing an exit strategy, or watch what I ate.  Caring about make-up, my skin, hair, nails….no, those days were done, at least temporarily.  I ran from Starbuck’s to McDonalds daily, lived off no sleep, working to get two houses ready to sell.  Suffice it to say, I was in complete crisis mode, as I asked myself:  How could a life of retirement on Maui possibly go this bad?    I didn’t know.  I surely didn’t know.

What I learned…

It doesn’t matter where you are, who you are, or how old you are.  Anyone’s life can derail.  It happens to all of us at some point in life.  Ironically, 2022 was the year I came home to myself.  While I didn’t return to the east coast where I’m from, California still felt like home, like me.  It felt safe, lovely really.  It was still warm, still tropical (ish) and, yet, fit me so much better than the naked isolation of Hawaii.  I stopped asking why I lost my Maui dream.  I came to understand that a life derailed is nothing to be ashamed of.  It’s not what happens to you.  It’s what you do when you realize you have been knocked to the ground.  So today, if you are in a bad place, if you have lost your job, had a husband cheat on you, found yourself caring for a family member that could no longer take care of themselves and are breaking under the strain, understand this:  You are not alone.  No life is lived without these crossroads of failure and indecision.  When you don’t know where to go, or how to fix it, begin anywhere and trust, in time, you will work your way out.

What I accepted…

I came to accept the world, like my walks on the beach with Frankie, was no longer in existence.  Paradise lost, I found myself in a strange new land and though a little scared, it felt right to me.   “Begin Anywhere” became my Mantra.   It has worked for me in ways I am still discovering each day.  Many times, I didn’t see the forest through the trees on my path to recovery from my life gone wrong on Maui.  Often, I’d find I took the wrong path and had to double back, like those hikes on the Appalachian Trail with my college boyfriend so many years ago.  Scary realizations, the “uh oh, this doesn’t look right, this isn’t what the map says” moments.  We’d throw the map out and look at the skyline, look at which way we were heading… we’d always find our true north.  We learned to enjoy the view, however lost we were.

What I let go of….

Letting go and working hard each day has taught me that I can overcome any challenge.  I worked my way out of that horrific undertow that was my Maui life.  I fixed and sold my house for almost double the price!  Yes, I moved to sunny California.  Thank God!  I love my current house.  It’s beautiful and, best of all, no one can hurt it!  My days of being a landlord are over forever.  Today, I am healthy and bask in a life of stability, peace in the California sun.   Sure, I think a bit too often, perhaps, about bullet-proofing my life.  In time, I’ll let go of that too.

What today is like…

The quiet life I lead is a place of healing for me, healing that is still in progress.  Emotionally, I’m not completely out of the water.  But the feeling of drowning has left me.  When I think of what I accomplished on Maui, I can hardly believe it.  I have found an inner strength and determination that I didn’t know I had.  Now, I believe people when they tell me who they are.  No more second guessing my intuition, or trying to talk myself out of something I feel.  I don’t waste my words on the wrong people.  I live a life of interiority and focus.  Who I give myself to, the time I devote to others is a select group.  I no longer feel I have to save everybody.  That is the benefit of being in your 60’s.  The big reality of time’s passage, knowing that you may not have decades left to live, if luck doesn’t go your way, or you become ill, now that is a great and surprising blessing.   I learned on Maui that surviving is something I can do in a pinch.  But, thriving?  Now, that is what I’m really good at.  The thrum of  California life is like the palpable heartbeat coming from a warm puppy’s chest, so easy to feel, so easy to connect to.  I am not running away from my past.  I am not seeking paradise, because I know it doesn’t exist, that nothing good or bad, lasts forever.

What is left for me to do…

Just enjoy.  Anytime, anywhere you can.  Don’t waste the quiet moments when nothing is going crazy-wrong.  Celebrate the quiet.  And I don’t mean silence.  I mean the lack of chaos.  Whether I am going to a concert with my amazing daughter and letting my mind open up to new music, the music of a younger generation, or sitting at Gaunatos on a beautiful, sunny Cali day, eating amazing tacos, I’m there, REALLY there.  I allow myself to be moved, like I was when I left home to go to college in Boston.  Everything, everything was new.  Every smell, every site, every feeling came at me, like I was a newborn baby.  I am allowing myself to begin anywhere, to begin anew, right where I’m planted.  What happened to me does not define me, nor does it determine the trajectory of my life.  While I do not have complete control over where my life is going, I have a lot better idea of how to steer it.

With patience and persistence, anyone can construct a life that is meant to be lived well:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72PkUgZ651k

What’s next…

This blog post, after so long away, is me releasing that past.   My plan going forward is to document my journey, my return to a beautifully imperfect me.   If you can relate, if you’ve been struggling and feel alone in your journey, know that you are not alone.  You are not broken.  You will return to this life, a better you.  Just begin anywhere my friends.  Decide today to show up for yourself.  When people come at you with requests, give yourself time to quietly think about it, don’t just react, or respond yes, without thinking.  Each day is a gift.  Every hour is yours, even if you are trapped in a job you hate, a marriage that needs to be over, a financial burden that is overwhelming.  It’s your decision how to think about it.  You can sculpt your life like an artist.  You will make mistakes.  That’s okay.  Like Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.”   There will be more walks on the beach someday, with your version of my Frank.  Wait long enough, it will happen.  When it isn’t happening, know that you have got this little life, warts and all.  It’s yours to make it beautiful…..even if it’s going through a little ugly phase at the moment.  It will and you will be beautiful again.

Much love,

Mrs. Sassy Pants